PROLOGUE: Okay, I know a bunch of you are going to say, "Hey, 'Star Warped' has already put out a Star Wars/Pulp Fiction cross." And you are right, they did. But my friend, Steven Livingstone, and myself came up with the idea on our own long before "Star Warped" was released (I believe we were golfing at the time...). To tell you the truth, I've never even read the "Star Warped" version. The segment below was completed in July of 1997. Provided I have time, I'll do the rest of the story.
DISCLAMER: This isn't endorsed by either Tarentino or Lucas, bus since I'm no making any money on it, what do they care?

An older model lands speeder is piloted by two men wearing cheap suits. Their names are VINCENT VEGA (white) and JULES WINNFIELD (black). JULES is behind the wheel.

JULES
-- okay now, tell me about the Empire?

VINCENT
So what you wanna know?

JULES
Well, killing's legal there, right?

VINCENT
Yeah, it's legal, but is ain't a hundred percent legal, I mean you can't just stroll into a cantina, whip out a blaster and start pluggin' away. I mean, it can only be done by certain designated people.

JULES
Those are stormtroopers?

VINCENT
Yeah, it breaks down like this: a stormtrooper only needs to be sure whoever he happens to be shooting is a Rebel, but even that don't matter because--get a load of this--if its ordered by some wrinkly, girly bone-armed guy wearing a gown, you can call anyone a Rebel.

JULES
That did it, man -- I'm fuckin' goin', that's all there is to it.

VINCENT
You'll dig it the most. But you know what the funniest thing about the Empire is?

JULES
What?

VINCENT
It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but there they're a little different.

JULES
Examples?

VINCENT
Well, for one thing there's this gigantic battle station cruisin' around, blowing away planets.

a pause

JULES
That's one hell of a little difference.

VINCENT
I guess. You know what they call it?

JULES
What'd they call it?

VINCENT
The Death Star.

JULES
(repeating)
The Death Star. What'd they call a destroyer?

VINCENT
A destroyer's a destroyer except they call it a Star Destroyer.

JULES
Why do all the names have the word "star" in them?

VINCENT
Probably 'cause it sounds scary. You know what they don't put on their starfighters?

JULES
What?

VINCENT
Shields.

JULES
Goddamn!

VINCENT
I seen 'em do it. They fuckin' lose'em by the dozen.

JULES
Damn!

CUT TO:

INT. LANDSPEEDER (TRUNK) - MORNING

The trunk of the LANDSPEEDER OPENS UP, JULES and VINCENT reach inside, taking out two blasters, loading and cocking them.

JULES
We should have detonators for this kinda deal.

VINCENT
How many up there?

JULES
Three or four.

VINCENT
Counting our guy?

JULES
I'm not sure.

VINCENT
So there could be five guys up there?

JULES
It's possible.

VINCENT
We should have fuckin' detonators.

They CLOSE the trunk.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING
VINCENT and JULES, their long matching overcoats practically dragging on the ground, walk through the courtyard of an apartment building.
We TRACK alongside.

VINCENT
What's her name?

JULES
Leia.

VINCENT
How did Jabba and her meet?

JULES
She was tryin' to stela something he had up on the wall.

VINCENT
She ever do anything I woulda hear of?

JULES
I think her biggest deal was she was involved in the Alliance.

VINCENT
What's the Alliance?

JULES
Well, you know the Old Republic?

VINCENT
I don't follow politics.

JULES
Yes, but you're aware that there was a Republic that governed the galaxy for a thousand generations?

VINCENT
Yeah.

JULES
Well, the Emperor rose to power and forcably replaced the Old Republic with his New Order. Leia's foster father and some lady created an Alliance to oppose it. Leia was one of the leaders.

They enter the apartment building.

INT. RECEPTION AREA (APARTMENT BUILDING) - MORNING
VINCENT and JULES walk through the reception area and wait for the elevator.

JULES
You remember Anakin Skywalker? Usta call him Wackin' Anakin?

VINCENT
Yeah maybe, tall right?

JULES
Right.

VINCENT
I think I know who you mean, what about him?

JULES
Well, some time back, Obi-Wan fucked him up pretty good. Word around the campfire was that Anakin was related to Leia.

The elevator arrives, the men step inside.

INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING

VINCENT
What'd he do, abuse Leia?

JULES
No no no no no no no, Anakin didn't even know he had kids.

VINCENT
Well what then?

JULES
He turned to the dark side.

VINCENT
The dark side?

JULES nods his head: "Yes."

VINCENT
That's all?

JULES nods his head: "Yes."

VINCENT
What did Obi-Wan do?

JULES
He confronted Anakin on some volcanic planet--up on the lip of a crater. Threw his as over. There was a pool of lava down at the bottom. Anakin fell through that. Since then he's developed a bit of a breathing problem.

The elevator doors open, JULES and VINCENT exit.

VINCENT
That's a damn shame.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MORNING
STEADICAM in front of JULES and VINCENT as they make a beeline down the hall.

VINCENT
Still I hafta say, play with matches, ya get burned.

JULES
No man, it was lava.

VINCENT
I know, I mean he shouldn't have turned to the dark side.

JULES
You don't think he overreacted?

VINCENT
Anakin probably didn't expect Obi-Wan to react the way he did, but he had to have expected a reaction.

JULES
It's the Force, what's the big deal? Nobody understands that stuff.

VINCENT
It's betraying a trust that the master has for his student. Is it as bad as abusing your kids? No, but it's in the same ball park.

JULES stops VINCENT.

JULES
Whoa...whoa...whoa...stop right there. Beating up your kids and making an independent career decision isn't the same thing.

VINCENT
Not the same thing, the same ballpark.

JULES
It ain't no ballpark either. Look maybe your understanding of the evils of child abuse are different from mine, but deciding to take the quick and easy path and beatin' up your kids ain't the same ballpark. It ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport.

VINCENT
Do you believe in the Force?

JULES
Sure.

VINCENT
That there's a good and bad side?

JULES
Yeah.

VINCENT
Would you become a dark jedi, quit your job and become the top-bag man for some intergalactic prune.

JULES looks at him a long moment.

JULES
Fuck you.

He starts walking down the hall. VINCENT
, smiling, walks a little bit behind.

VINCENT
Use the Force!

JULES
Fuck you.

VINCENT
I can feel your anger!

JULES
Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' pissed -- this is the door.

The two men stand in front of the door numbered "49." They whisper.

JULES
What time is it?

VINCENT
(checking his watch)
Seven-twenty-two in the morning.

JULES
It ain't quite time, let's hang back.

They move a little away from the door, facing each other, still whispering.

JULES
Look, just because I wouldn't be doing no dark jedi shit don't make it right for Obi-Wan to throw Anakin into a lava-motherfuckin'-pit fuckin' up the way the nigger breathes. That ain't right. Someone do that shit to me they better paralyze my ass 'cause I'd kill'a motherfucker.

VINCENT
I'm not sayin' he was right, but you're sayin' that betraying your teacher don't mean nothin' and I'm saying it does. There's a whole sacred respect thing going on there that nobody talks about but everyone knows it, Obi-Wan knew it and Anakin shoulda known fuckin' better.

JULES
That's an interesting point, but let's get into character.

VINCENT
What's her name again?

JULES
Leia. Why you so interested in big man's dancing girl?

VINCENT
Well, Jabba is leavin' for a couple of days and he wants me to take care of her.

JULES
Take care of her? What, take her out, show her a good time?

VINCENT
No, I mean take her out.
(makes gun out of had and puts it to head)

INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING
THREE YOUNG GUYS, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with burgers and juri juice laid out.
One of them, a Wookie, flips the switch on the door, opening it to REVEAL JULES and VINCENT in the hallway.

JULES
Hey kids.

The two men stroll inside.
The three young caught-off-guard Guys are:

CHEWIE
A wookie, who opens the door, will, as the scene progresses, back into the corner.

ROGER
A young blond-haired kid.

BRETT
A Rodian, sitting a the table, eating.

VINCENT and JULES take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. JULES is the one who does the talking. JULES
How you boys doin'?

No answer.

JULES
(to Brett)
Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question.

BRETT
We're doin' okay.

As JULES and Brett talk, VINCENT moves behind the young Guys.

JULES
Do you know who we are?

Brett shakes his head: "No."

JULES
We're associates of your business partner Jabba the Hutt, remember your business partner, don't ya?

No answer.

JULES
(to Brett)
Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Brett, right?

BRETT
I'm Brett.

JULES
I thought so. Well, you remember your business partner Jabba the Hutt dont'ya Brett?

BRETT
I remember him.

JULES
Good for you. Looks like me and VINCENT
caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

BRETT
Wampaburgers.

JULES
Wampaburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda burgers?

BRETT
Cheesewamps.

JULES
No, I mean where did you get'em?

BRETT
Big Wampa Burger.

JULES
Big Wampa Burger. That's that Hoth-burger joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

BRETT
They're good.

JULES
Mind if I try one of yours?

BRETT
No.

JULES
Yours is this one, right?

BRETT
Yeah.

JULES grabs the burger and take a bite of it.

JULES
Uuummmm, that's a tasty burger.(to VINCENT) Vince, you ever try a Big Wampa Burger?

VINCENT
No.

JULES holds out the Big Wampa

JULES
You wanna bite, they're real good.

VINCENT
I ain't hungry.

JULES
Well, if you like hamburgers give 'em a try sometime. Me, I like 'em 'cause I was in the navy for a long time and we never got any good burgers. I sure love the taste of a good burger.
(to Brett)
You know what they call a Destroyer in the Empire?

BRETT
No.

JULES
Tell 'em, VINCENT.

VINCENT
Star Destroyer.

JULES
Star Destroyer-- you know why they call it that?

BRETT
Because it sounds scary?

JULES
Check out the big brain on Brett. You'a smart motherfucker, that's right. Sounds scary. What's in this?

BRETT
Juri juice.

JULES
Juri Juice, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

BRETT
Sure.

JULES grabs the cup and takes a sip. JULES
Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot! (to Roger) You, you know what we're here for?

Roger nods his head: "Yes."

JULES
Then why don't you tell my boy here Vince, where you got the shit hid.

CHEWIE
[begins yowling something]

JULES
-- I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing.(to Roger)You were sayin'?

ROGER
It's in the cupboard.

VINCENT
moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black snap briefcase.

VINCENT
Got it.

VINCENT flips the two locks, opening the case. We can't see what's inside, but a small glow emits from the case. VINCENT just stares at it, transfixed.

JULES
We happy?

No answer from the transfixed VINCENT.

JULES
VINCENT!

VINCENT looks up at JULES.

JULES
We happy?

Closing the case.

VINCENT
We're happy.

BRETT
(to JULES)
Look, what's your name? I got his name's VINCENT, but what's yours?

JULES
My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit.

BRETT
I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and Mr. Hutt. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions --

As Brett talks, JULES takes out his gun and SHOOTS Roger three times in the chest, BLOWING him out of his chair.

Vince smiles to himself. JULES has got style. Brett has just shit his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

JULES
(to Brett)
Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions."

Brett can't say a word.

JULES
Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what Jabba the Hutt looks like?

Brett still can't speak.

JULES SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Brett. Brett now sits in a lone chair before JULES like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.

JULES
What planet you from!

BRETT
(petrified)
What?

JULES
"What" ain't no planet I know! Do they speak Basic in "What?" BRETT
(near heart attack)
What?

JULES
Bacic-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?

BRETT
Yes.

JULES
Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

BRETT
Yes.

JULES
Now describe what Jabba the Hutt looks like!

BRETT
(out of fear)
What?

JULES takes his blaster and PRESSES the barrel HARD in Brett's cheek.

JULES
Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time!

Brett is regressing on the spot.

JULES
Now describe to me what Jabba the Hutt looks like!

Brett does his best.

BRETT
Well he's ...he's...green --

JULES
-- go on!

BRETT
...and he's...he's...big --

JULES
-- does he look like a bitch?!

BRETT
(without thinking)
What?

JULES' eyes go to VINCENT, VINCENT smirks, JULES rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Brett in the shoulder.

Brett SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair.

JULES
Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!

BRETT
(in agony)
No.

JULES
Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!

BRETT
(in spasm)
I didn't.

Now in a lower voice.

JULES
Yes ya did Brett. Ya tried ta fuck'im. And nobody fuck Jabba, you know why? 'Cause his species reproduces assexually. You follow politics?

BRETT
(in spasm)
Yes.

As JULES progresses through the speech, we see that neither Vince nor Brett know what the hell JULES is talking about.

JULES
There's a speech I got memorized.
You might like it. General Kenobi, years ago your served my father in clone wars, now he begs you to help him in the struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit, my father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desparate hour.... Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

There is a look of total confusion on Brett's face as the two gangsters empty their blasters into him.

When they are finished, perforated carcass just sits there for a moment, then TOPPLES over.

All is quiet.

The only SOUND is Chewie MUTTERING in the corner.

CHEWIE
(Assorted Chewie sounds)

VINCENT
(pointing to Chewie)
Friend of yours?

JULES
Yeah, Chewie-VINCENT -VINCENT - Chewie.

VINCENT
Chewie? As in Chewbacca that hangs around with Solo?

JULES
That's the one.

VINCENT
What the hell's he doing here?

JULES
We met while playing cards one time over at Lando's place. He does odd jobs for me sometimes. Han's dissapeared for a while and Chewie still needs to pay the bills.

Then suddenly the bathroom door BURSTS OPEN, and a FOURTH MAN (as young as the rest) comes CHARGING out, a heavy blaster in his hand.

We DOLLY into a MEDIUM on him.

FOURTH MAN
Die...die...die...die...die...die!

The Fourth Man FIRES SIX BOOMING SHOTS from his hand cannon in the direction of VINCENT and JULES. He SCREAMS a maniacal cry of revenge until he's DRY FIRING.

Then...his face does a complete change of expression. It goes from a "Vengeance is mine" expression, to a "What the fuck" blank look.

FOURTH MAN
I don't understand --

The Fourth Man is BLOWN OFF HIS FEET and OUT OF FRAME by bullets that TEAR HIM TO SHREDS.

He leaves the FRAME EMPTY.

FADE TO BLACK